Tag: postpartum

Postpartum

Processing & recovery

This is a vessel 5 weeks after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. A 37+ h birth ending with an emergency C-section. Not at all what I had pictured, but out she came and all that pain went away. Enter- the aftermath.

Naturally, I’ve been absent and less active both here and with my training lately. I can’t even begin to think about work as I can barely think about the next step in my day (which actually doesn’t feel so much mine at all). Looking back, I feel naive. I really thought I’d be able to walk out of that hospital with striding steps, my head held high and ready for my usual handstands and runs etc. after my 6 weeks of recovery. Reality was I could barely walk myself out of the hospital without support and have only just started my postpartum jogs (PS. I’m an experienced runner and wouldn’t risk anything if it didn’t feel OK. I was also still running week 30+ during pregnancy without issues) almost 3 months postpartum now.

It all made me open my eyes to a reality I didn’t know existed. Not me, not my body. I can do better, surely. But it was- and still is- me. Just a different me. A very new me that I don’t really know how to grow into yet.

Until now, I haven’t been allowed more than walks and specific rehabilitation drills (and even that has been a challenge tbh)…

With 0 active training since just before I gave birth, anxiety shot through the roof. It felt so far away from the person I have always been and what I have needed in order to vent and stay sane.

With this newfound respect in mind, up until now my workouts have mostly been in my head. Battling emotions, worry, anxiety, stress and change. I’m still in the fog sorting out my mental health and the rollercoaster ride is no joke. There has been a lot of walking and gradually being able to carry and pick up things (mostly that has to do with my baby), which feels like ridiculous accomplishments compared to what I had in mind. I’ve also been focusing on moving in ways to rehabilitate my new forced way of moving (motherhood brings on all the awkward positions with breastfeeding, picking up and comforting a baby)… Motivation in general has been extremely fleeting. Nothing feels normal, not yet.

I could get on my yoga mat and find alternatives, but it feels like a lie. I need to be able to relax and move freely in order for me to then be able to naturally relax and feel good. That’s why my meditation usually comes at the end of something (such as a yoga flow) or while moving in something active (running). Simply sitting down and breathing through all these emotions and thoughts right now, letting them wash over me, is not an option I would prefer or recommend to anyone in this situation. Even though I’m working with acceptance in my therapy, I am still a high-sensitive person who would overthink, feel everything even deeper, cause even more stress to my “new body” and eventually burn out. The same way I can’t work with acceptance and wc-scenarios when it comes to my baby, as the wc-scenario is the first thought I have. So I take one step at a time. Sometimes 3 h at a time. I put up one goal at a time. I’m now running again, so that’s crossed off the list. Next up is trying to figure out how to get back my strength.

I believe nothing humbles you more than becoming a parent. I have also found nothing makes you question your life, your decisions (past and present) and what really matters in the end, more than when you’re all of a sudden “robbed of your freedom” and take care of a little innocent life 24/7. It all sounds like empty promises until you’re there living and doing it yourself. As a woman, I don’t think anything makes you appreciate and admire your body for what it’s capable of more. It takes time, a lot (more than you think) of it. And time is precious. It’s all we have in the end. How we’re spending it and how we enjoy is up to us.

Postpartum

Postpartum

It’s a big deal, and I wasn’t prepared for it (can one ever really be though????? I’d be surprised if it wasn’t like a bomb dropped and exploded for everyone). One becomes a new person of two, a parent and a mother. Just like that you enter this new world and life. I mean, I know everyone understands that a little human grows inside of a body and then comes out of it. But just read that again and realise how strange and life-changing that is for the one going through it. I’ll be the first one to say, it humbles a person.

See, people take it for granted. The whole thing, that is. People tend to focus on the end game and that little cute healthy happy baby. Just like when someone gets really fit and people don’t really focus on all the work and time and energy that goes into a change like that. People don’t see or realise the long journey that takes you there and everything that happens in between. We’re simple like that. Usually I find that’s why people stick to the simple questions about pregnancy and babies, getting simple answers in return. Diaper, breastfeeding, poo, weight and the little cute things your baby “has just started doing”- talk becomes boring for someone on the go to their next meeting. Whereas for someone going through it, it’s your everyday and everything all of a sudden. We seek validation and companionship. It’s a relief to hear someone else is going through just what you’re going through- you’re not alone after all!! *whew*. So it’s no wonder there’s a gap between parents and the ones that are far away from it.

This little tiny baby comes out and of a sudden you’re 100% responsible for a helpless little innocent beautiful life. That little tiny baby will get a name and become a little life on its own, depending on your constant care 24/7. Yeah, that’s a big huge massive deal. And so is the amount of anxiety that comes with it, checking their breathing and wondering if this or that is normal.

As a woman… All of a sudden your body goes 100% mother, physically it will whether you like it or not, to start with. The change happens FAST. Out comes the baby and left is “the leftovers”… an empty but blown up belly, lumps of all kinds of fluid, blood, more blood, leaks of all kinds, gas etc. A whole new body for you to grow into. It doesn’t feel that attractive in the beginning. Mentally and physically it takes time… Sore (and by sore I mean wounded-flesh-type-of-sore) nipples and heavy boobs (before they adjust and become your new boobs, that is, which is also weird. especially if you never had big boobs before)… Milk supply or lack of it will also become a daily thing on the agenda. Sure, people talk about latching and how good it is for the baby etc when it comes to breastfeeding, but don’t forget yourself as a woman in the process. It can hurt like hell or be wonderful. There are different phases and your boobs will need time to adjuat. It can be constantly leeking or nowhere to be seen.

*sidenote* I cannot recommend MEDELA BOOB CUPS enough!! What a lifesaver they were the first weeks for me. So was letting my boobs air and hot showers.

Another welcome: new instincts, like not fully sleeping (ever?)… While at the same time questioning your instincts like never before and seeking answers for things *enter google* such as “is it normal for my baby to shake its head side to side” and similar. While at the same time dealing with opinions and thoughts and worries of others, of course.

If you had an emergency C section and never had surgery before (like me), the aftermath can hit you brutally. I was far from prepared and underestimated what happens when you’re cut up. No one told me “you’ll feel like your intestines will fall out of your stomach as you try to stand up. It will hurt to sneeze and cough and laugh.. Also, get ready to sleep sitting up for a LONG time. Pretty much learn how to move without engaging your core at all the first days (no matter how much you want to) and say goodbye to your butt for a while and hello to chafing”. All bodies heal differently but I did not count on not being allowed to train for so long *enter borderline depression*, so tools, tools and more tools are needed to cope. So is coping with not giving “natural birth”, which my man reminded me is a poor choice of words. You either gave birth through your vagina or through surgery, but either way that baby came through and out of your body. You did that.

Which brings us to the other side of the coin. The obvious little tiny wonderful thing that gets you through it all. Your baby. The one who’s worth all the rushed/unfinished poos, the one that makes you forget all about hair and make up, worth all the weird positions your body gets into (which in turn will mess your body up in new ways), that little someone who will make time fly and all hours blend together, the one who will need you more than anyone before and fills your whole being with a love so deep it blows your mind *enter hormones and tears every time you watch them sleep*.

In the end, the comfort can be that all this new stuff will become the new normal one day. I know people say that and it doesn’t really provide any immediate comfort, seeing you’re not there yet. Kind of like when you were a kid and people told you it would get easier… But with that in mind, if you’ve ever done something for the first time and now do it without thinking and worrying so much about it – know that YOU CAN. Trust, support and self-love. Also, get some alone time(!!!!) and help, no matter how lovely your baby is (f.ex to have a calm shower or walk), every now and then (and don’t feel bad about it!) or you’ll lose it for real and no one benefits from that in the end.