Processing & recovery
This is a vessel 5 weeks after giving birth to a beautiful baby girl. A 37+ h birth ending with an emergency C-section. Not at all what I had pictured, but out she came and all that pain went away. Enter- the aftermath.
Naturally, I’ve been absent and less active both here and with my training lately. I can’t even begin to think about work as I can barely think about the next step in my day (which actually doesn’t feel so much mine at all). Looking back, I feel naive. I really thought I’d be able to walk out of that hospital with striding steps, my head held high and ready for my usual handstands and runs etc. after my 6 weeks of recovery. Reality was I could barely walk myself out of the hospital without support and have only just started my postpartum jogs (PS. I’m an experienced runner and wouldn’t risk anything if it didn’t feel OK. I was also still running week 30+ during pregnancy without issues) almost 3 months postpartum now.
It all made me open my eyes to a reality I didn’t know existed. Not me, not my body. I can do better, surely. But it was- and still is- me. Just a different me. A very new me that I don’t really know how to grow into yet.
Until now, I haven’t been allowed more than walks and specific rehabilitation drills (and even that has been a challenge tbh)…
With 0 active training since just before I gave birth, anxiety shot through the roof. It felt so far away from the person I have always been and what I have needed in order to vent and stay sane.
With this newfound respect in mind, up until now my workouts have mostly been in my head. Battling emotions, worry, anxiety, stress and change. I’m still in the fog sorting out my mental health and the rollercoaster ride is no joke. There has been a lot of walking and gradually being able to carry and pick up things (mostly that has to do with my baby), which feels like ridiculous accomplishments compared to what I had in mind. I’ve also been focusing on moving in ways to rehabilitate my new forced way of moving (motherhood brings on all the awkward positions with breastfeeding, picking up and comforting a baby)… Motivation in general has been extremely fleeting. Nothing feels normal, not yet.
I could get on my yoga mat and find alternatives, but it feels like a lie. I need to be able to relax and move freely in order for me to then be able to naturally relax and feel good. That’s why my meditation usually comes at the end of something (such as a yoga flow) or while moving in something active (running). Simply sitting down and breathing through all these emotions and thoughts right now, letting them wash over me, is not an option I would prefer or recommend to anyone in this situation. Even though I’m working with acceptance in my therapy, I am still a high-sensitive person who would overthink, feel everything even deeper, cause even more stress to my “new body” and eventually burn out. The same way I can’t work with acceptance and wc-scenarios when it comes to my baby, as the wc-scenario is the first thought I have. So I take one step at a time. Sometimes 3 h at a time. I put up one goal at a time. I’m now running again, so that’s crossed off the list. Next up is trying to figure out how to get back my strength.
I believe nothing humbles you more than becoming a parent. I have also found nothing makes you question your life, your decisions (past and present) and what really matters in the end, more than when you’re all of a sudden “robbed of your freedom” and take care of a little innocent life 24/7. It all sounds like empty promises until you’re there living and doing it yourself. As a woman, I don’t think anything makes you appreciate and admire your body for what it’s capable of more. It takes time, a lot (more than you think) of it. And time is precious. It’s all we have in the end. How we’re spending it and how we enjoy is up to us.