Who run the world
Looking at this girl I only wish her well, want her to play, to be bold, free, without judgement and to carry her head high for her accomplishments, like that little medal around her neck for loving to run. I would, most likely, never choose to talk to her the harsh way I usually do to myself. But it goes without saying that’s not the reality we live in. So I would tell her to toughen up. We all need a bit of fire. Put that little girl in a group of girls and you’ll see what I mean. We do run the world, indeed.
I was in yoga class a couple of weeks ago and it challenged me a lot. It opened my eyes to many of my flaws that I had been avoiding, which is always difficult to deal with in class if you’re a crazy perfectionist when it comes to yourself- like me. It’s an inner fight of acceptance and wanting more/to do better/feeling like you’re enough. And it should stay that way, as an inner struggle. Vent, ofc. Ask for help, yes. But I would never blame my teacher or be angry at someone for being better than me.
Ever since my first dance class (around 8 years old) I noticed I was a fast learner when it came to moving, mimicking, receiving cues and grasping feelings. Our (a bit crazy) dance teacher at that time called me her ”star student”, always placed me in front row, and then told everyone in the group (only girls) ”now everyone look at Bea!, which you would think is awesome as a kid. It did make me light up ofc, getting that acknowledgement and attention from our teacher. But at the same time I got bitchy (yes, at 8 years old) looks from my friends, who pushed me away and/or told me in their own ways I wasn’t as good as I thought. That’s what I focused on more at times, because that’s just me being a #HSP . I remember noticing how some friends would ”use it against me” when they were better than me in math f.ex. It was like a constant draining competition that I never agreed to enter. And that would continue as we got older, in even more manipultive ways. All I wanted was to be friends, really. And I remember questioning something I still question today: is it really that impossible to compete with genuine smiles on our faces? To care for someone other than yourself and your wins? To hug someone, shake hands or say well done? To be happy for someone else or even inspired?
I’ve had friends who told me we couldn’t be friends anymore because I was singled out in a situation where they weren’t. I’ve had older women shut me down with ”you don’t understand because you’re young, just you wait til you’re older” or ”that’s easy for you to say” when I’ve tried to encourage or help them. It’s sad that we push people away when they’re trying to help. It’s sad, looking back at the old tiny me just wanting friends and trying to learn. I do think she deserved better.
To be clear, I’m not saying I needed someone to hold my hand all the time or to pat me on the head. I’m not asking for pity either. I just would have loved if girls were more inviting and open. I get that we’re meant to compete, but we’re also meant to support eachother. Can we not live and learn and do better, girls? Obviously we’re not all going to get along, but enough bitchiness and manipultive games. Especially for our future little tiny girls. They deserve better.